Putting myself first after feeling used and discarded

A note before I start#

This post is about my own experience and how I felt. It is my perspective, my memory, and my opinion, and I know that other people involved may remember things differently.

I am not naming anyone. I am not saying anyone is a bad person, and I am not diagnosing anyone. I am not qualified to, and I cannot know what was going on in anybody else's head. I can only tell you what I noticed, how it affected me, and what I have learned about myself.

I always put other people first#

For most of my life, other people came first. Their problems, their moods, their needs, their emergencies. Mine came last, if they came at all.

I thought that made me a good person. I thought it was loyalty, kindness, and being the one who shows up. Some of that is true. But there is a version of it that is not kindness at all, and I only found that out the hard way.

Thinking it was more than it was#

This is the part that is hardest to say out loud.

I would take a bit of attention and build a whole story around it. A nice message became a connection. A moment of warmth became a future. Someone being kind when they needed something became, in my head, proof that they cared. I romanticised it, because I wanted it to be real so badly, and because when you have been starved of feeling chosen, any scrap looks like a feast.

Looking back, I think it was less than I believed it was. I felt useful rather than special. I was there, I was available, I said yes, and I did not ask for much back. And when the situation ended, I felt used and discarded.

I want to be careful here. I am not saying that was anyone's plan. I am saying that is how it felt to me, and that feeling is real even if I cannot know what anyone intended.

That hurts in a particular way. It is not only losing the person. It is losing the story you told yourself, and realising you may have been the only one who believed it.

The red flags I decided not to see 🚩#

Looking back, I think the red flags were there from the start. I noticed some of them. I just did not let them mean anything.

For me, the things that I now see as warning signs were:

• Situations where there always seemed to be a crisis, and I felt like the person who was supposed to help put it out
• Warmth that, to me, seemed to show up when someone needed something and fade when they did not
• Stories that did not add up for me, which I explained away because I wanted to be understanding
• Ending up doing most of the giving, the fixing, and the forgiving

Stories about exes#

More than once, I was told that previous partners had been "crazy" and had not done anything for the person telling me. I believed it, because I wanted to. It made me feel like I would be the one who finally did it right.

When I look back now, it did not sit right with me. I only heard one side. I do not know what happened in those relationships and it is not my place to judge them. But I have learned that when every story about the past puts all of the blame in one direction, I should be curious rather than comforted. That was a red flag for me, and I ignored it.

What felt like a victim mentality to me#

Over time, what I noticed in the stories I was hearing was that things always seemed to happen to the person telling them, and their own choices rarely seemed to feature. That is my interpretation, and I could be wrong. People hurt in different ways and nobody sees themselves from the outside.

What matters is what it meant for me. If I was in a situation where one person was always the one who had been wronged, then I felt pushed into one of two roles: the person who rescued them, or the person to blame. I took the rescuer role, because it was the one I knew best.

A timing that bothered me#

I was also told about how one of those relationships ended, and the timing of it was on a day that is normally meant to be special for the other person. I brushed it off. I told myself there must be more to the story and that it had nothing to do with me.

I should have listened to how I felt about it. I do not know the full story, and I am not judging anyone for ending a relationship, which is sometimes necessary. But the way it landed with me was that it showed what mattered most in that moment, and that should have been the biggest red flag for me. 🚩

Only hearing from people when they needed something#

The pattern I noticed was simple once I could see it. It felt to me like I mostly heard from certain people when they needed something.

A favour, a listening ear, advice, a lift, or someone to get them through a bad night. When they needed something, I got long messages and warm words. When they did not, it was often quiet. No check in, no "how are you". That is how it felt to me, and I know there could be other explanations, such as people being busy or having their own struggles.

But I told myself being needed was the same as being valued. It is not. Being useful and being cared about are two different things, and I spent years confusing them.

I told myself I could help. I thought that if I was patient enough, supportive enough, and understanding enough, things would settle down. That is a very flattering thing to believe about yourself, and a very expensive one.

What actually happened is that I felt pulled into other people's chaos. Their problems became my problems. Their crisis became my week. I was so busy managing someone else's life that I did not notice mine had stopped moving.

My body knew before I did 🔥#

Long before my head caught up, my body was telling me.

Around certain people I was exhausted. Not tired in a normal way, but drained, heavy, and flat. My nervous system felt like it was on fire. 🔥 Constantly on alert, waiting for the next message, the next mood, the next problem. Tense when I was around them, tense when I was not, and unable to switch off in either case.

That is what being on high alert can do. The NHS explains that long term stress can leave you feeling anxious, tired, and unable to relax, and can show up physically as well as mentally. I felt every part of that.

I used to put it down to being busy, or being sensitive, or not coping well. Now I think my body was telling me that I was not at ease in those situations, and I was not listening.

If something leaves you exhausted and on edge every time, I think that is information worth believing.

Learning what reactive abuse is#

One of the things that helped me was learning about something called reactive abuse.

It is not a formal clinical diagnosis. It is a term people use to describe a pattern some people say they have experienced: being pushed, dismissed, or provoked over time until they finally react, and then that reaction becomes the focus of the story. The reaction might be crying, shouting, or sending a long message that you would never normally send. And afterwards the person who reacted can feel like the one who is in the wrong.

When I read about it, it described how I had felt at certain times in my life. I had been through situations where I reacted, felt ashamed of my reaction, and then was left with silence. No conversation and no repair. Just me, replaying it and wondering whether I was the one who had done something terrible.

I want to be clear about what I am and am not saying. I am not saying anyone did this on purpose. I cannot know anyone's intentions. What I am saying is that learning about this idea gave me words for how I felt, and it helped me stop blaming myself for every reaction.

A reaction after a long period of feeling pushed is not the same as being a reactive person. I could finally separate my behaviour from the situation around it. That does not mean I get to behave however I like. I still own what I say and do. But I can own that and also give myself some understanding for how I got there.

I have also read about how some people describe narcissistic patterns, and some of what I read resonated with how I felt. I am not a professional, and I am not labelling any individual. I am just sharing that reading about these ideas helped me make sense of my own experience.

Seeing similar dynamics elsewhere#

Once I had words for how I felt, I started noticing similar dynamics in other areas of my life.

Not always as extreme. But I began to see how often I had ended up in the same position: giving a lot, hearing from people when they needed something, and feeling drained afterwards. Some of these were people I had known for years, and I had normalised it as just how things were.

This is more about me than about them. I realised I had a pattern of tolerating things that left me feeling exhausted, and I want to change that part.

I do not want to turn into someone who sees a villain in everyone. People are complicated, and everybody has bad days. But I do want a life that is free of toxicity, and for me that means being honest about what drains me. Sometimes that means more distance, sometimes it means firmer boundaries, and sometimes it means less access to me.

Did I have RSD?#

The pain I felt made me wonder whether I have RSD.

RSD stands for rejection sensitive dysphoria. It is a term used to describe intense emotional pain in response to rejection, criticism, or feeling like you have let someone down. It is most often talked about in connection with ADHD and autism, as described by ADDitude. It is not an official diagnosis, and I have not been diagnosed with it. I am wondering, not claiming.

But the description fit uncomfortably well. When these relationships and friendships ended, it was not just sad. It was physical, overwhelming, and out of proportion in a way I could not easily explain. It felt like a wound that would not close, and it stayed with me for a long time.

So I have been asking myself an honest question: how much of that pain was about the situations, and how much is about how I am wired?

I think the honest answer is probably both. Feeling dropped would hurt most people. But if I feel rejection more sharply than most, then I may also be more vulnerable to situations where I give too much. That is something for me to understand and look after.

I do not have a neat conclusion. If it is something I need to look into properly, I will speak to a professional rather than rely on a label from the internet. What I do know is that asking the question makes me kinder to myself.

What it does to you when you put everyone first#

Putting others first all the time does not make you selfless. It can make you absent from your own life.

When your attention is always on someone else, the things that keep you well are the first to go. Sleep gets worse. Food gets worse. Training gets skipped. Work gets squeezed in around other people's emergencies. You stop noticing that you are tired, anxious, or low, because you have no spare attention to notice with.

It also taught me something quietly damaging: that my needs were a burden, and that the only way to be loved was to be useful. Once you believe that, it is easy to keep ending up in the same situations.

The NHS lists connecting with others, being active, learning, giving, and paying attention to the present moment as ways to look after your wellbeing. Notice that giving is one item on that list. It is not the whole list. I had made it the entire thing.

The first time I put myself first#

My heart being broken is the reason I finally put myself first. I wish it had been something gentler, but it was not.

When it ended, there was no one left to fix and no one left to explain away. All of that energy had nowhere to go except back to me. And for the first time in my life I asked a question I had never really asked: what do I need?

It felt strange, and a bit selfish. It still does sometimes. But I have come to understand that it is not selfish to stop abandoning yourself. It is the minimum.

I do not say that with bitterness. I am genuinely grateful it happened, even though I would never have chosen it. It broke the pattern, and I do not think I would have broken it any other way.

What putting myself first looks like#

It is not dramatic. It is mostly small, boring, repeated things.

• My mental health. Paying attention to how I actually feel instead of how everyone else feels. Not ignoring it until it gets loud.
• My physical health. Training, eating properly, sleeping, and treating my body as something I look after rather than something I run into the ground.
• Boundaries. Saying no, and not writing a long apology afterwards. Letting someone be disappointed without rushing in to repair it.
• Noticing the pull. When there is chaos around me, I now feel the old urge to help, and I recognise it for what it is. Feeling the urge does not mean I have to act on it.

None of it is perfect. I am still learning, and some days the old habits are louder than others. But the direction has changed, and that is what matters.

I want a drama free life#

I have had enough of drama. Truly.

I do not want a life where I am constantly bracing for the next crisis, the next argument, or the next request for me to rescue someone. I do not want to be pulled into other people's messes, and I do not want to be anyone's emergency contact for problems that are not mine to fix.

I want calm. I want to know that when my phone buzzes it is not going to ruin my day. I want to get on with my work, do it well, and come home to someone who feels like peace and not like effort.

What I want now#

I have that now, and I do not take it for granted.

I have a partner who does not need me to prove my worth by being useful. It is mutual, nothing is a contest, and I can be looked after as well as looking after. I wrote a bit about that in Thank you for being my world.

What I want is simple. I want to focus on my work, keep looking after my health, and build a life with my partner. I want us to start a family. I want to be the kind of partner and eventually the kind of parent who is present and well, not running on empty.

I could not offer that to anyone while I was giving everything away.

If this is you#

If you are the person who always puts everyone else first, I am not going to tell you to stop caring. Caring is good. But this is what I have learned for myself.

• Being needed is not the same as being cared about.
• If you are doing most of the giving, fixing, and forgiving, that is information.
• If a story keeps putting the blame in one direction, it is okay to be curious rather than comforted.
• A reaction after a long time of feeling pushed does not mean you are the problem. Give yourself some understanding, and still own your part.
• If your body is exhausted and on edge around something, listen to it.
• You cannot fix a situation that someone else does not want to change, and trying can cost you more than it costs them.
• You are allowed to be somebody's priority. You are allowed to be your own.

If you are struggling, talk to someone. Mind has information on getting help, and in the UK you can call Samaritans free on 116 123 at any time.

I spent years believing that being used was the same as being needed. I am learning the difference, and I am a lot better for it.

References#

• NHS, Five steps to mental wellbeing
• NHS, Stress
• ADDitude, Rejection sensitive dysphoria and ADHD
• Mind, Need urgent help?
• Samaritans, how we can help