Why I am easily manipulated, and why it keeps hurting

What Dani told me#

I was talking to my friend Dani and she said something that stopped me.

She told me I am easily manipulated. That I let people get under my skin, or just do what they say, and end up being used. She said she knows this is partly because I am autistic. I take things for granted, and I do not realise what people can be like.

I will be honest about what I felt. I did not think it was true. At the time I did not feel manipulated. I felt like I was being a good friend, being helpful, and being kind.

I have had time to think about it now, and I realise she is right.

Why it is hard to see from the inside#

Being manipulated does not feel like being manipulated while it is happening. It feels like friendship.

Someone is nice to me. They talk to me, they ask for a favour, and I say yes. They ask for another, and I say yes again. Each step is small. Nothing in any single moment sets off an alarm. It is only much later, usually after they have gone, that I can see what the whole thing was.

I was useful. I was not valued.

That is the part I find hardest to say. I thought people wanted to be my friend. Some of them just wanted what I could do for them, and when I stopped being useful, or when they had what they needed, they left.

Where autism fits#

I want to be careful here. Being autistic does not make me stupid or gullible, and it does not make being used my fault. But Dani is right that it changes how I read people.

I take things literally. If someone says they are my friend, I believe it. If someone says they will do something, I expect them to do it. I do not automatically look for the second meaning behind what someone says, because I assume they mean what they say. The National Autistic Society advises people to be literal, clear and concise with autistic adults, because indirect language can be taken at face value. That works when people are honest. It is a gap when they are not.

I work out social rules consciously. Many people pick up on tone, hints, and the feeling that something is off without thinking about it. For me that is not automatic, so I often miss the warning signs that other people would catch quickly.

I assume good intentions. I assume other people think the way I do. The idea that someone would be nice to me on purpose in order to get something from me is not where my mind goes first. The Preventing Exploitation Toolkit notes that autistic people can be very trusting and may not understand that someone exploiting them could be lying or trying to deceive them, and that perpetrators may see them as easy targets.

I want friends, and that can be used too. If you have spent years wanting people in your life, you will put up with a lot to keep them there. The same toolkit says isolation can make autistic people more vulnerable. Someone who is lonely will say yes to more.

None of this is rare. In a 2014 National Autistic Society survey of autistic adults, reported by The Guardian, 49% said they had been abused by someone they thought of as a friend, and 37% had been forced or manipulated into doing something they did not want to do. This even has a name: mate crime. When a number like that is attached to a group of people, it stops being about one person being naive. It is about people being targeted.

When people leave#

This is the part that hurts most.

When someone leaves my life, the pain is unbearable. It is not a sad day and then it passes. It takes over, and I struggle with my emotions for a long time afterwards.

Part of the reason is that I do not put in half of myself. When I care about someone, I put my all into them. So when they go, I do not only lose the person. I lose everything I invested, and I am left questioning whether any of it was real.

And when you do that over and over, put your all into someone and get hurt, time and time again, it wears you down. It makes you want to give up on people completely. I understand why people build walls. Some days I want to.

I do not want to be alone#

Here is the contradiction I live in.

Being hurt makes me want to withdraw. But I do not want to live alone. I want people. I want real friends, who are there because they like me and not because I am handy.

I wish I had more support. Finding it is hard. The people who are good for me are not always the ones who are easiest to find, and I do not always know who is who until it is too late.

On top of that, I struggle with everyday life, and I hate it. Writing that down is not easy, but it is true, and I would rather say it than pretend I am fine.

What I am working on#

I am not going to pretend I have this solved. These are the things I am trying.

• Slow down before saying yes. I do not have to answer straight away. "Let me think about it" is a complete sentence.
• Notice which way things flow. If I am always the one giving, the one who messages first, or the one who sorts things out, that tells me something.
• Look at what people do, not what they say. Because I take words literally, I need to give actions more weight than I naturally do. Someone who is kind in words and absent in practice is telling me who they are.
• Ask someone I trust. Dani saw something I could not. Having someone who will tell me the truth, even when it is uncomfortable, is worth a lot. I do not have to work out every person on my own.
• Ask for clear communication. If something does not add up, I can ask directly what someone means. A person who is honest will not mind. A person who gets annoyed at the question has told me something too.
• Let myself be angry, not just hurt. When I get used, my instinct is to blame myself. The responsibility sits with the person who did it.

I will get some of these wrong. That is part of working on it.

If you are the same#

If you are autistic and recognise yourself in any of this, you are not stupid, and you are not alone. Taking people at their word is not a defect. It is a decent way to live that has met some people who do not deserve it.

If you are not autistic but you know someone who is, be a Dani. Tell them the truth, kindly. It stung to hear it, and I am still grateful that she said it.

And if the pain has got to the point where you want to give up completely, please talk to someone. Samaritans are on 116 123, any time, free. You can also call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. If you are in danger, call 999.

References#

• The Guardian, Half of autistic adults 'abused by someone they trusted as a friend' (National Autistic Society survey, 2014)
• Preventing Exploitation Toolkit, Autism spectrum conditions and vulnerability to exploitation
• National Autistic Society, Communication tips for talking to autistic adults
• "Bullies tend to be obvious": autistic adults' perceptions of friendship and the concept of 'mate crime' (Disability & Society, 2020)
• Samaritans